Tales from the Villain's Mansion
by PanderblastShank
Summary: Selection of one-shots and Snippets from the Disney Villain's Mansion looking at how they live with each other during down-time (and when they get Grounded) Rated M in case. Chapter 1 Frozen - stars little Prince Hans and his early days at the Mansion, meeting his fellow Villains (rated T). Starring a variety of movie Villains (and some Heroes). No-one writes summaries like Gaston!
1. Chapter 1

Snippets from the villains mansion

The games room of the Villains Mansion, a quiet, drizzly afternoon. Given the nature of Villains the Games room is one of the largest in the mansion and is fitted with enough amenities to distract even the most determined Villain from any bored 'why-not-destroy-the-world' plotting. Mickey has ensured that his Villains are provided with (amongst other things) a billiards and pool table, an always fully-stocked bar, card tables, couches, large screen tvs and a variety of games consoles and games from every era (except Kingdom Hearts. In fact, don't even mention Kingdom Hearts...stuff was set on fire last time...).

Today the Games room was half-full with villains entertaining themselves this rainy afternoon.

Jafar entered the room and paused just beyond the doorway, observing the occupants. He turned his staff several times in his hand and - frowning- strokes his beard, before speaking:

"Who's missing?"

Hook looked up from the bar "Huh? Is there a meeting? Should we all be here?"

"No..." Jafar answers, eyes narrowed "It's just...quiet... _unusually_ quiet..."

And then the heavy front doors to the mansion slamed, echoing throughout the dark halls and reaching the company gathered in the living room. They looked up, listening and still. Then footsteps came, quick and light, marching towards the villains, louder and louder as they stare towards the door (Facilier taking advantage of the distraction to nudge the cue ball forward a few inches).

The steps ring out, their owner moving faster now, almost at run, the whole room is attentive now, all meerkats staring in rapt anticipation, as the dark doorway is violently breached by a figure in white-

"Oh **very** funny! Ha ha **ha**! Soooo _clever_!"

The soaking wet young man, pale with vibrant red hair that was now ruffled and red cheeks that burned stood fuming in the doorway, huffing and puffing. The room's anxious mood collapsed into helpless snorts and giggles. The exasperated young man stared furiously and turned to the nearest occupant, Jafar, who raised his eyebrows and examined the head of his staff intently. He was trying very hard not to laugh.

"'A Left-handed hammer'? _Really?!"_

Facilier collapsed over the pool table, Cruella cackled and threw her head so far back the chair almost tipped, Hook disappeared behind the bar with a ' **HAH**!' and a thump and Jafar surrendered to a brief lop-sided smirk as the laughter exploded in the room.

"The Tartan paint? The new fallopian tubes?! Telling me I had to feed the Gargoyles? _Freezing all of my belongings in ice?!_

The Evil Queen air high-fived Dr. Facilier who was splayed like a star fish over the table, cackling madly. Clayton was guffawing and clinging to the pool cue, game abandoned while Oogie Boogie bent double, laughing loudly, bugs dripping to the carpet. The young man stared at the hilarity surrounding him, gradually hyperventilating and rapidly approaching breaking point.

"I – I mean when will this end? Huh? When will this hazing **end**?! I mean it's not **fair**! I haven't got any powers! Maleficent has killed me at least once a week since I got here, since I - I found out about an entire universe full of – of Gods and Magicians and animals that _talk!_ I didn't ask for any of this! I never wanted to be a **villain!** So I'm ambitious! So I broke a girl's heart! _You maniacs have killed_ _children_! I'm not like all of **you**! I  never want to be anything like you, you – **sickos**! I've been treated like dirt every day since I was thrown into this nightmare world, surrounded by all this, all this – _**Mickey Mouse SHIT**_ _!_ "

He had screamed the last three words to the ceiling, uncaring and uncared for, gripping his wet hair in his fists he squatted down to the ground, sobbing dryly. His audience was silent and sober (except for Hook) including the small group that had gathered at the door behind him, drawn to the sounds of cruel amusement. The dust settled and with it an uncomfortable silence.

Hans wanted out. He pushed the heels of his hands into his eyelids and wished so hard that he was back in his Kingdom - he even missed his brothers. No, rather he wished his brothers were here instead of him. He would even take Arendelle over this! These people were insane! There were talking animals and the weather depended on that demon woman's moods. The months he had spent trapped here were an eternity. He couldn't take this treatment, this punishment any longer - was this because of what he did to Anna? He would apologise, he would, only let him out of here. He wasn't a bad guy, he wasn't a Villain.

...he broke a girls heart, tried to have her sister killed and conspired to steal a nation, but that was politics – not personal.

He became aware of the intruding silence and slowly raised his bedraggled head. He had always thought himself a brave man, but at that moment, staring up at the mismatched crowd around him he was close to begging them to send him home, to prison or anonymity. He heard an awkward cough and all heads turned to the nightmare bag-shaped creature with empty eyes that dripped bugs. When he saw he held the attention of the room he reached up to the chalk score-board on the wall behind the billiard table and pulled down a complex chart with multiple coloured lines.

"Oh-Kay Kids! 32 days! Who had 32 days?!" He hollered and pointed to the board with a pool cue, like stall at a fairground.

The crowd of Villains surged forward to the board leaving the damp bewildered Prince behind.

"Headless Horseman! It's the Horseman for the win! Where are ya, buddy?" The crowd by the card table parted to reveal the Headless Horseman punch the air then fist-pump his way to Oogie Boogie to a chorus of polite applause, boos and cries of 'cheat!' from Facilier. Hans watched him collect what looked like a large pile of money and high five the villains around him while Gaston yelled 'Speech!' and was shushed by others.

32 days. Since he arrived.

A bet. They'd made a bet on breaking him. They truly were Villains.

He stood up, unnoticed, and staggered from the room, heading to the bedrooms upstairs and leaving behind him the sight of a Headless man doing shots of vodka, cheered on by a chanting crowd.

* * *

Awww...poor Hans...

Not really, he's a dick.

But it can't be easy being the Villain's new bitch, especially since he took over from Mor-du who had no sense of humour and never got the take-out order right.

But he gets a brief respite, for now; no doubt we'll come across him again in the Mansion, probably hiding in a cupboard.

Hope you enjoy, any comments or spelling mistakes feel free to review or flame, likewise if you want to see a certain villain, no guarantees but it'll be fun to try and sneak them in.

Ciao!


	2. Under the Influence - Hades & Jafar

Hades and Jafar: Bonding and Beginning

It is late evening in Jafar's Suite of rooms at the Villain's Mansion. It is the real world year of 1997 and Hades has dropped in to visit his new pal following a depressing get-together atop Mount Olympus. As it turned out the question of whether his attempt to ovethrow his family had been free will or Disney's irresistible orders didn't really matter in the face of a good 'ole family grudge. Hades had hit the Ambrosia hard - then hit on Artemis hard - then hit the floor hard, _that hillbilly sure had good aim_ , he thought, as he had massaged his jaw and skulked to his chariot. Too hurt to head back and too sad to head home he thought about the Villain's house-thing that The Mouse had told him about, maybe Jaffy would still be up? Intoxicated, he ends up in a perplexed Jafar's dark, red-and-gold strewn rooms, smoking questionable Hookah and downing ouzo in collective misery, one with a sore face and pride, the other with more... _internal_ aching.

"THIS."

Jafar blinked out of his sulk and craned his neck behind him "Hmmm what did you say, Hades?"

"THIS. This stuff is just, it... **IS,** y'know?" He gestured blearily to the smoking Hookah on the floor between their reclined figures.

"Yes, well, Hashish and Hookah are much more... _refined_ than your favourite noxious, foul cigars."

They smoked in silence for a moment, both lost in their own emo thoughts, til Hades blurted:

"It's... it's like, like I always _wanted_ to conquer Olympus, yeah? But what if - if I've  already conquered it - in my MIND?

Jafar sighed and blew a smoke ring out towards the ceiling, his focus miles away with someone else: "I bet her hair smells of cinnamon and burnt wood chips..." He murmured.

"The way I see it, we're trapped, y'know? Like, like we **have** to be villains? See? I never had a chance! Get born - dad eats me - get thrown up – kill Dad -brother gets **alllll** the credit and gets to marry the hot one, and – and - and...s _niff_ I wish I'd been in Fantasia instead..." Hades whispered and hugged a pillow tight in misery (of all the movies he was made to watch, he'd really  liked Fantasia.)

Jafar was unaffected and unmoved, in his own world as he murmured "...And her neck tastes like red wine and tantrums..."

"Fantasia at least has the non-rapey type of centaurs... I think." Hades reasoned.

"...And her collarbones taste of dark, dark chocolate and honey... but not Fair Trade honey." Jafar asserted, eye lids heavy and red. Clicking back onto the end of Jafar's stream of thought Hades readily agreed:

"No way! They'd, ummm, they'd be bees that were getting pounded by the recession - **Blam** like _that_!" His blue hand slammed onto the low ornate table between them. Jafar sat up unsteadily:

"Mmhmm, bees that couldn't get a mortgage..." Jafar grinned at the thought as he slumped downward as his turban slipped off.

"Yeahhh... the lil' yutz's gonna get their hive repossessed!" Hades blinked at the broken table beneath his wide palm "Oy vey am I hungry, I feel like Cruella on a diet! You got anymore worms?

Jafar glanced blearily at his strange new friend laid on the cushions beside him "Hades, you are eating curtain tassels."

"Oh. Huh. Eh-" The God shrugged asymmetrically "I've been smoking for thousands of years - I can't taste a thing!" He explained as he absentmindedly munched some pot pourri. Jafar fell back into his lustful longings:

 _sigh_ And I'm sure that elegant curve of flesh below her navel tastes of passion fruit and strong, black, exotic coffee...

After picking splinters from his hands Hades finally catches on to his new-found friend's wistful longings and with a blink realized the object of his friend's affections as the dark and deadly _de facto_ ruler of the Villains, Maleficent:

"Uh...Who? _Mal_?" He blurted

"Mmhmm" Jafar laid back and grinned.

"Oh. Actually she tastes of black olives and whisky" The God stated, helpfully.

"...!"

The blissfully ignorant Deity continued, staring at his own skin:

"Why aren't more things blue? I mean, c'mon, you got the sky, yeah and the ocean - but is that **it**?

Jafar's eyes were wide and his jaw dropped open as he spluttered:

"Hades...H...H-How...wh.. _what_ did you just **_say_** **?!"**

Hades lay on his back, drawing words in the fragrant, swirling heavy smoke above him:

"Hive. H _iiii_ ve. Hi _vvvvv_ e...Heh. Hey, Jaff, listen to this funny word. Jaff? What're you doing with Hookah, Jaff? Are you gonna hit me with the-? Woah, if this is cause I ate your tassels, babe, I can get you new ones tomor-!

 **CRASHCRASHCRASHSPROING!**

To any other villain, having a tall Arabian man beat you over the head with a hookah would be a deal-breaker and a relationship-finisher. For a God, it was a violent –yet necessary- part of any burgeoning friendship. From this point Hade had learned a few crucial facts:

1\. His pal Jaffy was hilarious and had a Temper

2\. He did not like people eating his furnishings

3\. His new best friend had a major Thing for Maleficent.

In an effort to preserve his new friendship with Jafar and by extension a bunch of fellow so-called Villains, Hades declared to himself he would never again _Dance with the Green Dragon._ Or at least not so that Jafar would find out about...and not on his birthday...or in his room...or wearing his turban...maybe.


End file.
